There

You were there all along. I see that now. I couldn’t see it in the midst of my darkness, but looking back I can see that what Your word says is true and I’m still here – my belief in you intact. You didn’t take my sorrow away but You walked with me through it. Somehow in my bleakest moments You gave me just enough strength to get by. Strength in day-sized measures. A morsel of hope here, a crumb of light there. You climbed down into the well – down into the devastation of my depression and you sat there with me. My God acquainted with suffering knew what I was feeling.

It’s as if You were wooing me, God. Finding every way possible for Your love to penetrate through the darkness. Some days You said ‘I love you’ in surprising ways, which when I’m well I don’t even notice. ‘I love you’ in the smile of the lady in the supermarket, the sympathetic Doctor, the birdsong in my garden, the beautiful sunset, my funny kids, in the hug of a friend who loves no matter what. Disparate timely things telling me that life has not… that You have not given up on me. And I should not give up on myself.  

Little by little life began to mean something again. The darkness began to lift and the meaning seeped back in. Over time I was less of a slave to my negative thoughts and able to see that I actually was precious. I was daring to hope that I could feel different. And slowly I was coming back to life. I came back to wanting to live life and trusting that I had a future. You were there all along. I need to remember this in the ups and downs of life. Whatever life brings and whatever darkness I walk through that You will never leave me. You were and are and will be there.
Sam Sayer, 03/09/2012